I lied to you all… and for that, I am truly sorry.
I will not be starting the Paleo diet this Thursday the 31st, but have pushed everything back (the diet, the bloodwork, etc.) by one week. I know you all marked it on your calendars and were waiting impatiently to hear news, but due to complete and utter Ramnation, things must be postponed.
I am an alumnus of the magnificent, prestigious, glorious, and sometimes ghetto learning establishment called Virginia Commonwealth University (better known as “VCU”), and we don’t usually have a whole lot to cheer about when it comes to sports. That statement doesn’t just apply solely to VCU; that covers the entire city of Richmond.
Sure, we’ve got a sweet AA baseball team named the Flying Squirrels, and during the 7th inning stretch we have 5 dudes dressed up in maid outfits and wigs that drag the field (GET IT!? Drag queens!!). They even stop after the turn at 3rd base to do a little dance…. But other than that, we don’t get a whole lot of serious sports excitement around here.
Well there’s this little thing called March Madness going on right now, and in case you hadn’t noticed, VCU is a Walt Disney movie in the making. By the way, Disney, since I came up with the idea I demand that you let me cast the movie:
- Shaka Smart – played by Vin Diesel (It was him or Mark Wahlberg. I feel like Vin would be cheaper… should be cheaper)
- Joey Rodriguez – played by John Leguizamo (or Enrique Iglesias if we can land him)
- Jamie Skeen – played by Shaquielle O’Neal (he was spot on in Kazaam, and his NBA career is waning)
- Bradford Burgess – played by Denzel Washington (He’ll bring some credibility to this whole debacle. Which we’ll need after putting Vin/Shaq in key roles)
- Ed Nixon – played by Djimon Hounsou (Nixon’s our best defender, and I feel like Djimon proved his ability to play some damn good defense in Gladiator)
- Javonte Reddic – played by Tyson Beckford (I’m embarrassed that I even know who that is. Damn you Bravo!)
- Brandon Rozzell – played by Matt Damon (I think Matt needs to take a role out of his comfort zone for a change, and if he pulls this off, it could be Oscar worthy)
- Directed by Peter Jackson – I say this because we’re going to need some of his Lord of the Rings camera skills to make the 5-foot-something Beckford look like a 7’ giant in the lane.
….Oh and I demand the entire team be allowed to make a cameo. Maybe have Skeen throwing his jersey to Shaq saying, “Good game kid. Way to not be a butthole on the court.”
But I digress. The point of this post is for me to give a solid reason why I won’t be starting the Paleo diet until next week. Well, VCU being in the final four of the tournament is quite honestly the single most exciting and unifying event that’s happened to this city since I’ve lived here (a solid decade now), and I don’t plan on not being a part of it.
You might say, “Well Luke, you can be a part of the party without drinking.” To which I’d say, “You’re absolutely right, I could do that”.
But here’s the thing: I hate drunk people. Unless – unless… I too am drinking. Which is why I’d make a terrible cab driver. I don’t have to be drunk, but I do need a little alcohol to take away the abrasiveness of being surrounded by hundreds of drunks. Therefore, in the spirit of unity and camaraderie that this glorious event has brought into Richmond, I will be drinking this weekend, and therefore postponing the Paleo plunge. Because when I commit to a diet, I commit. None of this wishy-washyness. If I’m on, then I’m on… Just not yet.
Plus, this gives me more time to mobilize my Paleo pantry, which evidently takes more time and money to assemble than Oprah’s face. I’m quickly realizing that this diet is going to take a LOT more work and planning than the GOMAD did.
SO. Thursday, the 7th of April will be the Paleo launch point! I’m doing it for Richmond. I’m doing it for VCU. I’m doing it for Shaka.